Thursday, June 18, 2009


I have decided to give out awards to countries I have visited.

Best Country for Parks
And the winner is...United Kingdom. Far and away better public parks than any where I have ever been.

Best Country for Food
And the winner is...America. It has to be America. We have the best of every country.

Best Nightlife
And the winner is...France. It doesn't involve bars or clubs, but rather picnics beside the river, the lawn of the Eiffel Tower, or in parks. Not just regular picnics, but 5 course picnics. Wine is also abundant.

Nicest People
And the winner is...The South. Do I even need to explain?

Strangest People
And the winner is...Europe. Rat tails and mullets are never okay.

Best Looking Girls
And the winner is...France. Maybe it is all the fashion that draws them there? I really don't care. It works.

Gayest Men
And the winner is...France. Maybe it is the fashion that draws them there...

Best History
And the winner is...England. It is everywhere, and very well preserved.

Cleanest Cities
And the winner is...Austria. Especially Vienna's Innerstadt (The old part of the city) and almost all of Salzburg was very clean.

Best Public Transportation
And the winner is...England. London's Tubes are incredible and the taxi drivers are great too.

Best Mountains
And the winner is...Austria and Germany. The Alps, duh.

Worst dressed people
And the winner is...Austria. Jean shorts and tank tops are still a common occurrence. Need I say more?

Best Country to Open a Cigarette Stand

And the winner is...Austria. Smoking is still allowed in restaurants, and people take advantage of it.

Best Healthcare
And the winner is...England. My roommate and friend Ben fell and cut a gash above his eye, blood was everywhere. He went to the hospital and the sewed him up and all they asked was for his name. He didn't have to show ID or insurance. Oh, and it was completely free. Now I know it is socialized healthcare, and it really stinks for the doctors, but it sure was great for Ben.


  1. This is awesome Joe. I thoroughly enjoyed those awards. I hope you are having fun with your Mom. We will see you back ehre in the South in a couple days! Trav does not even know what is about to hit him...

  2. If I were your editor/agent, I would send your entire travelogue to Garden & Gun. It's been a joy to see these places through your eyes.

  3. And, we need at least one or two hilarious Jeni stories before you're through.

  4. prettiest girls? france? seriously, joe. we are offended.